I just have to get this off my chest. This has been sitting in my mind for days.
I promised not to write about pain, but it would be kinda inhumane for me to dismiss these things or bury them all in the back of my mind ’til they become forgotten.
May this become a log of closure for myself. Because I deserve so.
What was once a fairy tale turned into a nightmare; one that I am doing my best to purge from my system to cleanse myself from the sins I am unaware of doing.
I have been asking God as to why all these happened. While I do believe in delayed gratification, I am too much of a human being to carry the weight of all the betrayal, inflicted pain, and all the shattered pieces when the truth unraveled.
God knows how hard I gave my all. How I begged for divine protection. How I thought hard about this becoming a risk worth-taking after all the pain I already had in the past.
Turns out, this year is one of the heaviest ones; where I am forced to face my weaknesses and outgrow them. From all the flights I did, people I meet, the stupid choices I made,… it seems like every pit stop I made in my life’s messy journey this year are like pebbles meant to scrub whatever’s meant to be smooth within me.
Believe me, I did my best to compartmentalize everything after the heavy fallout. I want to be grateful for everything, for it’s undeniable that this journey was a blast; it’s like I opened a box of unknown treasures I would be carrying as I choose to become better.
But how, when everything is literally tainted with sin? I have blood in my hands. I certainly don’t want to compromise my already-wrecked morals by rooting everything on what conspired in the past. I deserve a fresh slate.
I thought I am finally going full-circle on this one, but I guess I need to turn to a different direction and do my best to detach from this painful curve.
Lord, I am begging. Take all these heaviness, pain, anger, and rage from me. The supposedly-bright side of all these isn’t bright enough to save me and the memories clutched. I am drowning. I wish I can say that this was the one thing I got right for the first time in my life. But, how? I’m already stripped off of dignity, peace, and serenity.
I have to let go. This archive of all the thoughts I have about this is too messy, and I am being consumed by my demons once more.
I beg of a closure, but I guess I have to do this on my own.
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